A Wish of (prep)Independence
Once upon a time in Greece there were
a lot of people living under the power of the ugly king of Turkey. He was a
grumpy man with a thick moustache and a big tummy.
One day the humans (vocabulary: we need a more accurate noun, a word that captures the meaning of people living in a particular place, or sharing identity features) were very tired
of obeying their king and wanted to be free. The Greeks were intelligent and
good merchants. (add information to create smoother link between sentences)They knew people from Italy, France and Britain.They talked to them and told their wish of independence.
British people
helped (om) Greeks. They sent a Sir called George Gordon Byron to serve them. Lord
Byron was a young and handsome man. He was strong and honest. (include information about his ideas, work to give a clear idea of why this man was in favour of the Greek) Lord Byron and a
Greek called Alexandros Mavrokordatos ( add information relevant for this story about Alexandros)created (collocation)a plan to attack the kingdom. They wanted to weaken it (how?) but Lord
Byron became ill and died two months later.
The Greeks were very sad because of the death of their friend and they
decided to beg (for) help to the bandit-heroes. (Information about them)The bandits asked the Greeks for more
leadership in exchange for their protection.
What did they do? How did they succeed?
Thanks to the bandits the Greeks’ dream could came true and they lived
happily ever after.
FEEDBACK:
- Details about characters should strengthen the events described. It's good to create a picture of what a person/character is like, but it is vital to complete this image with information about them that explains why they are involved in these events.
- More details about historical facts, turned into events in the story could render a better idea of what happened to children reading it.
